Inside Me ----- 9 -- I thought my heart was going to explode waiting for the pregnancy test to clear.
Walking into that bathroom with the cup to pee in. I almost broke down there. I had no idea if I was pregnant or not and until then, I had pushed it into the back of my mind as an impossibility.
Things change when you're about to pee in a cup and be tested for a baby at fourteen. I regretted so much throwing that condom across the room.
I wondered if it was still there. And the questions. My sexual history. There was a secrecy code but it was still very hard to admit to her that I wasn't a virgin anymore. She would find out soon enough. I did lie though on the date it happened, and I said it was only once. Then she wanted to bring my mom in for the examination inside me, I guess for security measures, but for my own security, I begged against it. She brought in another doctor.
And I couldn't thank her enough afterwards considering what happened. As she looked around and probed inside of me, out of the blue she asked me if I was being abused in anyway by anybody or if I had suspected anything while I slept.
My last visit with her was when I had just turned fourteen and hadn't hit my period yet; she had never asked me such a thing. Then I couldn't stop blushing in fear when she told me, after my true answer of no, that someone or something had sure done a bang up job down there recently.
I tried acting as innocently curious as I could but I swore she saw right through me. She told me most of it had already healed and to just take it easy there. Also to not let whatever did it in the first place go near me again.
I profaned her for that a few times in my head. It wasn't Ean's fault, it was all mine. Ean comforted me, held onto me, slept with me. I heard stories where the guy just keeps going or just waits a few minutes before continuing.
Ean waited all night. And if he hadn't woken up before me, I would have made myself renew my courage and do it again while he slept. I was sure before I fell asleep that he would never try it with me again.
I wanted to make plans to force it on him after he slept but I fell asleep too quickly. I wasn't pregnant. I got approved for the pills.
My body though still shook with anxiety. That was the absolute most stressful doctor's appointment I had ever had.
Before she left the room to let me get dressed, I had to make sure to myself and asked her again if everything that had just happened would only go between me and her. She smiled and replied that only other doctor's that deal with me would have access to the information, definitely not my mother though.
After the appointment, mom and I went shopping and I spent hours searching for and picking every bra I could find that would fit me. Mom even said since I was growing up, she would let me buy new panties too. She smiled curiously as a pile of increasingly revealing underwear began gathering.
After getting as many inappropriate styles as I could, I caught the most innocent girly looking panties of them all. They looked like a nine year olds or younger, but shamefully, they could fit me. White thin fabric that would cover everything and little pink and purple hearts all over them. They were cute, but I couldn't imagine a teenager ever ever wearing them.
But that's why I just had to get them. I wanted to see Ean's reaction so badly when he saw those on me. Wednesday went by great as I told all the news to Montana. Then when I got home, Ean, mom, and I all went out to eat at a really good restaurant to see off mom. She had an early flight the next morning so I probably wouldn't see her again after I went to bed.
I felt really guilty too. I knew I would miss mom a lot since she would be gone for so long, but at the same time, I was happy that she was leaving for such a long time. I so desperately wanted to sleep with Ean every night. Fall asleep in his arms and have him wake me up somehow with him already out of bed and dressed.
I couldn't wait. I fell asleep in my bed alone that night knowing it would be the last. Thursday, I was amazingly fidgety. Montana was too. She talked a little bit about Bentlee's birthday but mostly we talked about Ean. I had admitted defeat with letting her meet Ean. But for some reason, I wasn't taking it as hard as I thought. Ean loved me. He said it and I could see it so much in his eyes every time he looked at me.
Montana was such a great friend. She needed me just as much as I needed her. Even if Ean and Montana liked each other, they wouldn't abandon me. They couldn't. They needed me. I was defeated, but they couldn't leave me behind.
I wouldn't let myself believe it. I lived with Ean and went to school with Montana. Thursday was my last day alone with Ean for awhile. I had to do something special for him before us girls bombarded him with constant teases. "Ean?" I asked lying on his bed next to him. Just lying. Both of us fully clothed over the covers. I found him there when I came home from school so I decided to join him.
It was nice. "What," he replied thoughtfully. "My friend and her younger sister, um, Crystal's little sisters, they like you a lot. I mean, kinda like I like you; you know with the touching and maybe sex but I don't think they're really ready for sex, they just think they are.
I was just wondering, because you seem a lot more open now since I'm here for you. Um, you've seen pictures of them and spoken to them on the phone once or twice. Do you think you might like them?" Deafening silence followed. "I don't know about the youngest one, Bentlee. Montana, your friend, I don't know either." I didn't like the sound of his second 'I don't know.' "Montana's a lot like Crystal, but she doesn't have those problems.
I was wondering if you still thought about Crystal. I don't want you to use Montana as her replacement. She's my friend." I accidently almost started to sound defensive. "Maeghan, it will take me a lot of time to get over Crystal completely, but don't accuse me of trading her in for somebody else.
Especially since you're the only girl I've been close to since her. When you cried out that night that you wanted me to take advantage of you more, I wanted so badly to use you as a body to take what I had wanted to give to Crystal for so long. I wanted to stick my head into your soaked lap and fall asleep breathing you in.
I wanted to spend one last night with her, one last night to show her all the potential her life could have had. All the pleasures that I could have given her myself. "I wanted to take you that night and give you a baby. Give Crystal a baby deep inside her. Maybe then she would've stopped the drugs, calmed down and broke ties with her friends.
I wanted to give her a new life. I wanted to get you, my sister, pregnant. Fill you with my cum over and over and over.
I wouldn't have cared if I damaged every nerve ending in my penis just as long as there was hope for a baby and a future." Ean paused for a second and rolled to his side to stare at me. "Maeghan, I didn't want to stop touching you. I missed Crystal so incredibly much and she died because I agreed to wait on her.
I never thought I would be able to meet a girl so amazing again. Then, then you, you begged me for more; you asked for everything I wanted to give her. So easily. If it didn't click in my mind that you were my sister, I would have taken you right then and made you into Crystal.
"I was even so depraved and obsessed with it when I woke up early that morning, I hunted through the kitchen and bathrooms. I kept telling myself that we were only half related. I searched everywhere for birth control. I was obsessed. If I could get her pregnant, she would fix herself. If I could get you pregnant, you would never leave me.
I don't know what I would have done if I had found any, probably sabotage it, but when I didn't, everything clicked back into place. You were my sister. I couldn't believe I wanted to get you pregnant. I hated myself so much." I tried my best to hold back my facial expression as he told me that he couldn't find my birth control. He just went on not noticing anything if I did show my discomfort.
"I replaced you with her for just one night and almost stole your virginity, made you pregnant, forced you into a situation you should never have to deal with. Crystal had to go and I vowed to never replace her. She's a hole in me that will only be filled with time.
I had a little sister. She wanted attention and help. There's no doubt that Crystal's memories played a good part in what I let happen between us after that, but those were just memories, knowledge from the past to apply toward the future. "Crystal's memories changed me in a way that I'm comfortable with.
I will not reject them nor will I dwell on them. It's like the feeling you get when you learn algebra for the first time in elementary school; X can equal anything, it has so much power and potential. It's so intimidating at first but once you understand it, understand that it can do anything, then you realize that with it, you can do anything. You wonder how you ever managed before. I learned so much from Crystal from her life and in her death.
I don't want to go back to the way I was before." I was nearly in tears. I had never seen my brother go off like that. He looked so passionate. I could tell he spent so much time thinking about it all but it was as if he threw the whole thing together right then, just for me. It was just a tiny glimpse into his mind, a small picture of torn pieces of paper glued together roughly.
As I suspected, he wasn't as tough inside as he was on the outside. He was sensitive and confused. And he had weird thoughts. Only he would think of a way to include algebra from elementary school into a speech about his dead girlfriend.
"I'm sorry," I apologized realizing how much I had actually just insulted him. "It's just that, well, Montana, I'm just afraid that you'll like her. That you won't want me anymore." From his position on his side looking down to me, he rolled over on top of me.
He was heavy but it was nice. Not being able to move underneath his body made me feel safe and warm. "I've never even met your friend.
Why are you getting so upset over us two if I never even saw her?" he asked while taking a firm hold of me. "Because, I'm your sister; I just know it. You said you trusted me, that your body was telling you to trust me. I don't know why, but, I think it's because of her. Without me, you would never meet her." "Maeghan, without you, I would still be depressed.
I would be mourning over Crystal. I wouldn't be the happiest person I've ever been right now with you in my arms. You freed me and I will never forget that. I will always love you. If you think Montana is ever going to steal me away from you then I promise you right now, I promise you, I will include you in everything I possibly can with her and me." "Even sex," I cried sarcastically.
It was the only thing on my mind. Him and her having sex. I was his first and I wanted to be his only. Even if we still talked and were the greatest of friends, I wouldn't feel like Ean loved me if he didn't want to have sex with me. That was the ultimate thing; would he still want to touch my body, cum inside me, kiss my lips. That would be the defining factor between a close brother/sister relationship and two lovers. Ean almost chuckled. "Yes, I will make sure you're right there and involved the first time we have, if we have sex and you really want it.
I don't think your friend would go for that though so you might get your wish in keeping us apart." "I don't know about that," I blushed. I could feel the organ between his legs grow into mine. I hoped it was from him thinking about me. It was making me increasingly uneasy though how much he didn't deny Montana. I was trying my hardest to tell him that I wanted to give him anything to make him happy, even if it wasn't me, and he so willingly was accepting it.
He let me talk about Montana and him and he didn't deny that it could happen. It was almost as if he knew it could or he wanted it to. There had to be more between them than they were telling me. Why did Ean seem almost happy for my acceptance of her?
Why did Montana almost literally beg me to take her to him? Ean pushed up a little and ran his fingers into my belly and under the hem of my pants.
I could feel him sliding down my panties between my legs. "Oooh, silky," he said smiling. "Mom took me shopping." I grabbed at my shirt and pulled it up my body and over my head. He just stared down at me in one of my new bras. It was red and covered so much less than my training bras. "Mom bought that for you," he gulped.
He pulled his hand from my pants and fumbled to take them off. Pulling them from my legs, a matching pair of panties bestowed his acute vision. "I admit, they do look good on you, little sis," he smirked, "but you look so much better without them." For a second I thought he preferred me in my old underwear but then he quickly pulled at my panties to remove them.
Then I realized that he just liked me a lot better when I was completely naked. I felt my shoes fall from my feet followed by the tugging and removal of my socks. He came back up above me and reached around my back to undo my bra. He fumbled with it for a few seconds before figuring it out and then pulled it off. I felt so small and vulnerable below him as he removed my last piece of clothing. He was my lover but for some reason, I wanted to see him as my big brother.
My big brother took all my clothes off me. He was staring at my naked body. Ean's shirt flew from his body so fast before his hands were removing his pants and boxers.
He was hard, and from his speed, he was really in the mood. My mind absorbed every movement from him and within seconds, he was hovering over me naked. His giant object penetrated my tiny body. I rolled my eyes feeling him enter me. I could feel him touch all my surrounding organs. He reached his deepest inside me faster than I had expected. He seemed to be in a hurry. "Maeghan, the more I think about you every night, all those nights mom was here, I laid in bed wanting to sneak in your room so bad and molest you.
I wanted to jack off so much but I felt I would be cheating on you. I don't know what you did to me but my mind is exploding in so many thoughts that I don't know how to figure out. I feel like what everybody else looks like; stupid and confused. Walking around doing whatever to get the day past. The only thing I know for sure is what I feel toward you." He smiled hugely toward me as he started slowly moving out of me to push back in.
"Maeghan, I love you. I want to make you so happy every single day. I love you so much. I want to drive you into orgasm after orgasm. I want to drive your unconscious body into orgasms when you've had too much. I wanted to explode on you this weekend with all my love. I don't know how I'm going to survive with your friends over. I like Montana. I've talked to her several times on the phone and she is amazing. But I love you. I don't want her here while I want to spend every waking and sleeping second with you." "Ean," I cooed, "I trust you.
If you can't hold it this weekend, let it out." I wanted to be his support system and everything to him, but I didn't want to be the person holding him back from what he truly wanted; I didn't want to be the person that kept him from achieving his potential. "I trust you Ean. Besides you could cum in those girls hair and they would worship you for it." I laughed to myself as the image of Bentlee popped into my mind, 'Club Ean!' "This will be the only place I'll be cumming," he moaned as he pushed the palm of his hand below my belly where his penis was pounding in and out below.
He did something, I didn't know what, but with his pressure right there, all the sensation in my body flared. Never had I felt something like that. It was amazing.
But he was going to cum in me. I wasn't on the pill yet and it was coming even closer to my fertile point. "No Ean," I said panting for air.
He looked up and looked about to stop and move away. "Stay just like that, the pressure there feels so good," I pleaded while staring at his hand. Then I looked back up to his eyes. I didn't really want it to happen but I couldn't think of another way, not of one that wouldn't make him suspicious or annoyed.
"Keep going. Just when you're about to do it, inside me, pull out. I want to suck it then, taste it." Ean looked incredibly pleased with me. I wasn't sure of myself though. I thought about it before, sucking on his thing. I wanted to try it though at my own pace, just for a little while. Now I got myself into sucking it as it squirted cum into my throat.
I was a bit scared. Not to mention, I would have that same thing in my mouth that was currently inside my vagina. Oh my goodness, it felt so great. I couldn't think about one thing for more than a few seconds with his hand pressing there.
He was driving into me harder and harder. I thrust my hips up into his hand trying to hump both his penis and his palm harder. It was so damn amazing. "I'm going to cum soon. I'll pull out here real quick. Be ready." No, I was coming so close. I would orgasm so soon. I couldn't hold much longer but if I told him to wait, just wait for me to finish, I knew I would finish to feeling his hot liquid deep down there.
I had to be super careful now. The more I thought about it, the scarier it got on the realization that he could actually make me pregnant. He trusted me and would never forgive me if I got pregnant. My eyes were flickering in and out. I could see Ean was about to explode and was getting scared he might not pull out. I had to trust him though. I was coming so close to losing it and couldn't react to anything.
In one long slurp, I felt my brother leave me completely empty seconds before my orgasm. It was the worst feeling in the world. I didn't care about pregnancy at that point anymore. I wanted him back inside. I wanted him cumming deep into my body. I wanted him inside my womb. But he was gone. I was about to slowly die out from the most amazing feeling ever.
My hand immediately thrust down into my gaping hole. My clitoris rolled between my fingers as my ass arched into the air. I had to finish it. I felt a massive warm, wet object enter my panting mouth.
In my heated battle to just get everything over with, I closed my mouth around it and began sucking as hard as I could.
My tongue swirled around it once, twice. It tasted weird. I was eating my own vaginal liquid. Ean was pushing himself deeper into my mouth. I was on the brink of orgasm. Then Ean's penis grew. It got bigger all of a sudden.
Bam. Cum started pouring into my mouth. I didn't know what to do. Boom. I lost it. My body went into a full-fledged orgasm. Cum was shooting into my throat as I choked and my entire body writhed in orgasm. It was all very powerful but it was really weird. I was scared out of my mind because I was suffocating and gagging for air while my body flopped like a fish out of water on my brother's bed. I felt Ean's hands grip the side of my face.
He was groaning loud, squeezing my head. My mind was out of it. I had no clue what was happening to me, let alone around me. I only waited to pass out. I was coughing and choking and writhing. I couldn't move my mouth though. I didn't know why. Why wasn't Ean pulling out of my mouth? His cum stopped pounding into the back of my throat; why was his penis still lodged inside me?
I needed to breathe. My jaw. It wouldn't move. What was happening to me? I starting coming back from where ever I had been. I was on my side. I could feel the liquid pour from my mouth around Ean's penis, onto my cheek and drip off. Then, all of a sudden, my jaw started loosening. I felt it and immediately realized why Ean's penis was still in my mouth. I couldn't believe it. I wanted to cry so hard.
My muscle must have cramped. What did I do to Ean? I could see again. Ean's penis slipped from my mouth easily and he backed away from me out of sight. I was out of breath on his pillow, panting as all his cum poured from my mouth. I was naked and alone. What did I do? My jaw was aching so bad. I forced myself to push up. I didn't want to spit on his pillow so licked my lips and tried to swallow what was in my mouth.
It didn't taste bad. It was different that what I usually ate, but I could live with it. I doubted though Ean would ever let me near him again. He wasn't in the room. I pushed myself off his bed and headed for the bathroom.
He was there, standing before the mirror holding his penis not sure what to do. "I'm so sorry Ean. Please, I'll do anything to make it up. How bad is it? I'm so sorry." I begged and cried as I walked in on him. My face had to be soaked in my tears. I must have looked so pathetic, my naked fourteen year old body crying and begging for forgiveness. "It wasn't that hard. It felt like you were fighting it the whole time, trying to open up but you just couldn't.
It's not bleeding and it doesn't even look bruised. I think I was just scared more than anything. And you. You looked like you were dying. You couldn't breathe and your body was thrashing around.
I had to turn you over so it would pour out of you and you could breathe." Ean turned toward me and pulled me into his arms. "I was so scared that I, I… I'm so happy your okay. But I can't forgive myself for leaving you there when I saw it.
When I saw you coming to. I left you because I was scared for myself." He was hugging me tighter and tighter.
"I'm so sorry Maeghan." I didn't know what to say. I just wanted the whole thing behind us. I messed up, he felt like he messed up. "Ean, I think you're going to have to wash your pillow now." The side of my face felt his chest bounce in a single laugh. I was naked. Ean was naked. He was hugging me so tight. He was so warm. I loved that feeling. His body was so much bigger than mine and after what just happened, he was hugging me, begging for me to feel better. I loved him so much.
I felt so special with him. I was the only one with him. I was his toy, his most favorite toy. He would never let anything happen to me. He would never let someone else try to steal me away. He would rise over anyone that tried to make fun of us for playing. My big brother.
The guy that made me feel more alive in the past two weeks than I had collectively in my entire life. I loved him so much. "Ean?" I asked. "Yeah." "Can we stay like this for the rest of the day?" "Just hugging, the whole day?" I giggled. "No, naked, natural, vulnerable.
It's scary but because you're with me, it's ok. The contradiction makes me feel so alive." "Alive," he whispered. I couldn't tell if his tone was more questioned or curious. I looked up to his face. He looked so deep in thought. That look made him appear so strong, so masculine, so smart, everything, it worked for him perfectly, it was him. But was it for Crystal? She wasn't alive. "I'm sorry Ean; I didn't mean it like that." He looked down to me questioningly.
"Like what?" "You're thinking about Crystal," I said meekly. "Yeah, but, I told you about her. She's the past. You're the future. She's a database of billions of thoughts and memories. You're a void of the most amazing possibilities. She drown herself in that stuff so I could have a chance with you. I want to thank her so much for everything she's given me. Because of her, I can make you feel alive. I want to make everyone feel alive; because of her.
And she, she gave me everything I needed to know how to do it. "Maeghan, everything in me says that you're the next piece. You're the next step in my life. You're the biggest step, the one that will never leave me. Damn it. I make you feel alive; you have no idea what you make me feel. You have no idea how much power you have over me.
My little sister can make me do anything with a single word; you have no idea how alive that makes me feel." He dropped down to his knees keeping me still tight in his arms. "If we were allowed, I would make you my lover forever. I would give my vows to you. But all I can do is promise you this. I promise on my life, I promise with everything I am, I will never leave you. If another girl comes along, she'll have to recognize that she is not the only one.
She'll have to accept that if she wants me, she'll have to have you too." "Idiot," I cried into his hair, "you're supposed to tell me that there will never be another girl." "I'm so sorry Maeghan," he was almost crying, "I love you so much, but for some reason, it's different.
You're my little sister. I've tried so hard but there's still a hole. You're still so young, you'll understand later. You have to trust me on that. But I know you too will find a hole in you that I can never fill." I trusted him so much but I didn't want to hear it. He was never wrong, even if he was then. He filled me everywhere. He was everything to me. He was, he was, he was, the first one.
Just because he was the first guy to give me everything I wanted, just because of that, it didn't mean anything. Just because he was my brother. Just because when he came to me, I wanted to die and throw everything I had to the first guy that would show the slightest interest in me. Well, I wouldn't go that far, but Ean pulled it all out of me. He knew how to work me perfectly.
He was the only one for me. But I trusted him. "You could at least lie to me," I cried.
"You're too strong for that. What kind of brother would I be if I taught you that love is kept alive with lies? I love you too much for that." That big strong brother of mine that was so recently engulfing my body now had his face in my chest, my bare chest. The hot moist air from his mouth beat into my skin.
He was holding me still so firmly. I felt equal to him. I wasn't the little girl I always loved seeing myself as under him; I was powerful like him. I felt responsible. I didn't want to; I wanted to stay a little girl forever, his little sister. But I was Maeghan. I was Ean's sister. The sister of Ean. What else would someone expect from me? "Let's take a shower, together.
I want to tend to your wound," I said. "Yes mommy." The sarcasm in his raising voice was humorous. "Just please, please don't kiss it this time." I laughed.
"Ok honey, but the next time it comes down to it, be a good little boy and don't put things in mommy's mouth when she's in an orgasm." Ean's grip loosened around me. One of his hands dropped and gripped my butt cheek.
Yes, butt cheek, just one. His fingers rubbed and pushed into my butt crack, right there at my butt hole. My buns tensed. I was going to wash my man. He was going to wash me. I was so happy, but that's just one memory I prefer to keep to myself.
It was nothing sexual, there was a lot of teasing and little playful fights in the raining water with soap everywhere, but, but it just felt so amazing.
I never wanted it to end. I felt alive. Ean smiled so much at me. I never saw him smile so much. I never saw him smile like that. Yeah, that memory, I'll keep to myself.
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